Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
