Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
