you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
