Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
