if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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