turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
