i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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