I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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