dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
