Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
