note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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