I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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