My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize