fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
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