i think my tv is drunk
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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