I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Panties = found
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
