Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
