he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
