I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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