I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
