My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
