I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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