this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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