Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Semen is not good for contacts.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
