I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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