I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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