Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
