Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
