I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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