Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
