Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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