Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
