Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
