Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
