Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
