So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
