I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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