After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
