you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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