We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
