Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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