you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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