Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
