Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
