I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
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