Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
