In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Say something about gay babies.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
