the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
