Best friends brother. Beat that.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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