I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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