So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
