ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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