no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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