I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
