I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
