You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
