He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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