The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
