oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
