in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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