I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize