Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
