Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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