Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
