no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
