my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
