Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
