apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize