my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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