I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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