She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
