I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
